{"id":171,"date":"2013-10-07T11:31:07","date_gmt":"2013-10-07T11:31:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/?p=171"},"modified":"2013-10-07T11:32:53","modified_gmt":"2013-10-07T11:32:53","slug":"diary-of-a-boa-constrictor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/?p=171","title":{"rendered":"Diary of a Boa Constrictor"},"content":{"rendered":"

Monday October 7th, 2013<\/p>\n

00:00 Status nominal, sleeping in standard ambush pose.<\/p>\n

03:47:28 PROXIMITY ALERT!<\/b> – infra red sensors report a MASSIVE HEAT SIGNATURE. Suspect large monkey thing. Looks too big to eat. It’ll probably fold down, or something, though<\/p>\n

03:47:29 STRIKE!<\/p>\n

03:47:30 Ouch! There’s some sort of invisible force field. My nose hurts and I knocked a tooth out. Vexing.<\/p>\n

03:47:35 Status nominal, sleeping in standard ambush pose.<\/p>\n

[the toilet flushes, which she can’t hear, because she’s a snake]<\/p>\n

03:48:50 PROXIMITY ALERT!<\/b> – MASSIVE HEAT SIGNATURE! This should be good! Tasty, tasty food!<\/p>\n

03:48:51 STRIKE!<\/p>\n

03:48:52 Ouch! A completely unexpected thing happened! There’s some sort of weird forcefield in the way! That never happened before. Must check this out when I wake up and it’s light. Maybe next year or something.<\/p>\n

03:48:57 status nominal, sleeping in standard ambush pose.<\/p>\n

11:57 PROXIMITY ALERT!<\/b> – MASSIVE HEAT SIGNATURE! It’s one of those great big monkeys. I bet they taste epic!<\/p>\n

11:57:30 Tracking, tracking, visual senses operative. Vaguely remember they weren’t previously. Wonder why? Tracking, come closer, monkey, clo…ser…<\/p>\n

11:57:34 STRIKE!<\/p>\n

11:57:35 Ouch! What the hell just happened there? There’s some sort of weird force field! It really hurts! Deploy tongue…<\/p>\n

flick flick flick flick<\/p>\n

11:57:36 The force field appears to taste of boa constrictor saliva. Has someone else been messing with my patch? I’ll have them!<\/p>\n

11:58 The monkey is coming closer. I love it when they make it easier. Soon it’ll be inside the force field, and then I shall dine!<\/p>\n

11:59 SOMETHING HAS GRABBED MY TAIL! HOW DARE IT! Turn round quick, get ready to kill it. No, wait! I’m being pulled backwards by something really huge! Just when I was about to get that monkey too. This is intolerable. It’s going to take me outside! It’s scary out there!<\/p>\n

HELP!<\/p>\n

Grab everything! Water bowl grabbed, hide grabbed, coil coil coil! It’s got my neck! Oh no, it’s no good. This is all over. I’m going to die now. Outside is deadly. Deadly to Boa constrictors and I hate it. This is the end. LET ME GO!<\/p>\n

Oh, it’s you. Did you see a monkey round here? This is nice, can I have a cuddle? Ooh, you’re warm!<\/p>\n

<\/a>

Cosy Boa<\/p><\/div>12:04 Status nominal, sleeping coiled round comfy heat emitting thing, Life is good!<\/p>\n

12:25 NO! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO INTO THE VIVARIUM! It’s DEATH in there! Dangerous things are in there! It’s horrid! I like it out here! Don’t make me!<\/p>\n

12:26 Ooh, this is nice! There’s a hide and a water bowl and stuff, and it’s all small and cosy!<\/p>\n

12:27 Status nominal, sleeping in standard ambush pose.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Monday October 7th, 2013 00:00 Status nominal, sleeping in standard ambush pose. 03:47:28 PROXIMITY ALERT! – infra red sensors report a MASSIVE HEAT SIGNATURE. Suspect large monkey thing. Looks too big to eat. It’ll probably fold down, or something, though … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-171","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2cuUO-2L","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/171","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=171"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/171\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":177,"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/171\/revisions\/177"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=171"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=171"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sarahlizzy.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=171"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}